Tag Archives: intimacy

Religion Versus Relationship

Religion cannot nurture a dynamic relationship with God because such a relationship has to transcend the rigid structure inherent to religion. By its very nature, a dynamic relationship with God is fluid and growing and ever-fresh, whereas religion is a fixed blueprint for belief and behavior that confines us within its predetermined boundaries. You can have both religion and relationship, but religion alone doesn’t provide the impetus to propel you toward intimacy with God. That is a journey that requires you to break free from convention and to take risks that challenge your understanding of self and God. To do so, you must leave the safe realm of religion.

A Dynamic Relationship with God

Intimacy is a primary characteristic of any meaningful relationship. It is demonstrated by mutual transparency and vulnerability where we allow our real selves to be seen by the other. As we lower our guard before God and allow him to see us as we truly are, we allow his unconditional love to touch and heal our hidden selves. Eventually, we learn that God is a safe place for us to be completely honest and vulnerable, where we can courageously tell him our deepest fears and hurts. Intimacy works both ways. As we become real with God, God becomes real to us. James 4:8 says, “Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.” God wants to show himself to us, but we must take the first step to show him our real selves, flaws and all. Psalm 145:18 says, “The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.” If we hope to experience God’s nearness, God expects us to approach him with full honesty and no pretenses.

In my book, Four in the Garden, Creator says to Cherished, “We can only touch the outermost layer of your being that you allow us to touch. When you set aside those defensive layers, we can reach into your soul and inhabit the deepest part of your being. When deep touches deep, we can share in each other fully. Mutual disclosure is the basis for intimacy.” As is true for any relationship, self-disclosure promotes intimacy with God. My most profound interactions with God were times when I was desperate enough to be completely honest about my deep need for his help and healing, but also times when I made myself bare before him and relished the absolute joy of being fully seen and fully loved by him.

A Personal History with God

Another aspect of relationship is shared history. This is the sequence of shared events that describe the course of a relationship over time; the memories and markers that add meaning and value to the relationship. A dynamic relationship with God includes these markers. I’m referring to answered prayers, gut-honest conversations, moments of spiritual insight and discovery, sorrow over one’s failings, wrestling with God over things we don’t understand or don’t want to do, times of heartfelt prayer, experiences of awe and wonder, or any experience where we connect to God in a memorable or meaningful way. I call this a “personal history with God.” It’s important to build a personal history with God as that anchors us during times of turbulence, giving us something real to fall back on when doubt sets in. If we walk through life with God at our side, then we will encounter him regularly along the way, especially if we are open and expectant. These interactions not only help create a history with God but also promote growth as we learn more about ourselves and God through such events.

If we want God at our side, then we must invite him. Jesus says in Revelation 3:20, “I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.” The picture described here is that of having a meal, a common activity where relationship occurs and is developed; an intimate setting where conversation and closeness happen. When we do invite Jesus into our lives, then he expects a place at the head of the table and we become the host that serves. He becomes the center of our lives and we step aside to let him run things as we trust him. It sounds scary to give our lives over to him. It took me weeks to gather the courage before I took that step, but I have learned, since that day, that he does a much better job of directing my life than I could ever do.

The Joy of Relationship

God is an expert at relationship. He created it. The members of the Trinity, the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, have been in constant communion from the beginning. This model relationship is characterized by intimacy and joy. When Jesus was baptized, the Holy Spirit descended on him and a voice came from heaven: “You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased.” This intimate moment demonstrated the love and affirmation shown within the Trinity. Within this holy relationship, each gives and receives from the other, respects the other, and loves the other. Through Jesus, we are invited to participate in this communion where we can interact with all three and experience a taste of the intimacy and joy of holy relationship. In its most profound expression, the deep sharing and communion of relationship results in joyful delight experienced in the union of spirit, the embrace of unconditional and rapturous love, and the absolute trust in and surrender to that love. This joy is the hallmark of God’s triune relationship and is something that he invites us into.

Religion: Ritual, Repetition, and Requirements

We must beware the trappings of religion as they can suffocate our relationship with God. Ritual provides us with meaningful touchstones for our faith, but they can become hollow if they devolve into outward practices where we just go through the motions. Even friends and family have rituals, like opening presents on Christmas morning, but if the meaning is lost, then they no longer serve to enhance relationship. In our relationship with God, we must guard against going through the motions. When that happens, we need to find new rituals that instill new meaning for us and that foster deeper connection to God.

Regarding repetition, Matthew 6:7-9 says, “And when you are praying, do not use meaningless repetition like the Gentiles do, for they suppose they will be heard for their many words. So do not be like them; for your Father knows what you need before you ask Him. This, then, is how you should pray: “Our Father in heaven….” In these verses, Jesus warns against the impotence of repetition. In the following verses, he then goes on to teach us how we should pray. The first two words set the stage for relationship when he starts with “Our Father.” Unfortunately, people have turned this example into a static prayer instead of a guide for meaningful, conversational prayer. Notice that Jesus is teaching us how to pray, not what to pray. Repetition can make any relationship stale. Relationships require new input and fresh activities in order to grow. Look for ways to move beyond repetition in your relationship with God in order to keep things fresh.

Religion establishes requirements that direct us toward behaviors that please God. The danger here is that rules and regulations can breed either resentment or fear. We may become resentful from having to follow strict rules. Or we may become fearful of punishment should we fail to follow them. In Matthew 22:37-40, Jesus says, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.” When love is missing, then religion becomes a taskmaster and requirements become a heavy burden that brings no joy. The key here is relationship, where love can be fostered. We must focus on relationship over regulations. Focusing on regulations will smother love. When we focus on relationship, then love can bloom. When we cultivate a loving relationship with God, then we will want to do what pleases him. We would be like the psalmist in Psalm 40:8 who says, “I delight to do your will, O my God.”

An Eternal Relationship

Jesus says in John 17:3, “Now this is eternal life: that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent.” Jesus doesn’t define eternal life as living forever, as we would normally define it. Instead, he uses the relationship language of knowing God. He isn’t specifying knowing about God, but knowing God personally and experientially. In its truest sense, eternal life is being in relationship with God. This relationship is eternal because God is eternal and this relationship is life because God is life. By being in relationship with God, we are assured to live forever, because he lives forever. Those whom Jesus will reject will be those to whom he says, “I never knew you.”

Questions for Reflection:

  1. Since God knows everything about you, why is it so hard to be honest with God?
  2. Can you identify three important milestones in your personal history with God?
  3. Which area in your relationship with God is the most stale? How might you correct that?

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Rick Hocker is a game programmer, artist, and author. In 2004, he sustained a back injury that left him bed-ridden in excruciating pain for six months, followed by a long recovery. He faced the challenges of disability, loss of income, and mounting debt. After emerging from this dark time, he discovered that profound growth had occurred. Three years later, he had a dream that inspired him to write his award-winning book, Four in the Garden. His goal was to help people have a close relationship with God and to share the insights he gained from the personal transformation that resulted from his back injury. He lives in Martinez, California.

For more articles, visit http://www.rickhocker.com/articles.html
Website: http://www.rickhocker.com
Email: mail@rickhocker.com

A Deeper Relationship

A “relationship with God” sounds like a lovely thought. But what does it look like? Has anyone defined it for you? How does one have a relationship with a being whom we can’t see or touch? Seems ridiculous, doesn’t it?

A healthy relationship is interactive. Giving and receiving must be present. So what do we give to God? What do we receive from God? I will answer these questions by the end of this article. First, I plan to describe one’s relationship with God by defining stages of increasing depth.

Trust

In my book, Four in the Garden, Cherished asks, “Why should I trust Creator if I don’t know Him?” The answer given him is, “You come to know Him by trusting in Him.” This is a paradox, yet we start the journey toward God by trusting Him. We trust in something we can’t see in the hope that the invisible will make itself known. Hebrews 11:6 says, “Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who earnestly seek Him.” So we start with a simple belief in God, even though we don’t know or understand God.

Humility

Humility is the first step in one’s relationship with God. We set aside our ego and our ego’s demands when we approach God. We acknowledge that we aren’t as smart or powerful as God. In truth, we know little when it comes to God’s inscrutable ways, and what we think we know may be inaccurate. Humility requires a willingness to be wrong and an openness to correction. A relationship with God is not based on doctrinal certainty, but a readiness to engage mystery as this relationship is mutable and dynamic. No real relationship starts with certainty or expects fixed responses. James 4:6 says that God opposes the proud and gives grace to the humble. Humility opens the door to relationship, but if we are proud before God, the door remains closed.

Authenticity

When we approach God, the masks must come off. We can’t have lasting relationship with anyone if we pretend to be something we are not. Authenticity means we are honest with God about who we are, how we think, and what we do. No excuses, but brutal honesty. I think God can handle it. We come as we are, not hiding anything or making ourselves more presentable. We bring everything into God’s light: our shame, guilt, despair, self-hatred, and doubt. The important thing is that we come, regardless, instead of staying away because we have judged ourselves unworthy. If we have soiled our diapers, then we come to God with stinky diapers believing He will clean us up as any loving parent would.

The goal here is to be real and authentic before God. We are not putting our best face forward, but putting our real face forward, warts and all. When we are real before God, then God makes Himself real to us. Said another way: if you want God to be real to you, then strive to be as real as possible with God. As we drop our masks and defenses, then we remove one more barrier between God and us.

Mutuality

Psalm 18:25-26 says this about God, “With the kind You show Yourself kind; With the blameless You show Yourself blameless; With the pure You show Yourself pure, and with the crooked You show Yourself contrary.” This suggests a mutuality that describes our relationship with God. This same mutuality is reflected in the verse (James 4:8) that says, “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.” This is a dynamic relational dance with God. We bow and He bows in return. We approach and He approaches. We withdraw and He withdraws. He meets us according to our invitation and posture, reflecting back to us a corresponding posture and spirit in response. So it’s up to us how we want to dance with God, but realize that you lead and He follows. God waits for us to make the first move, to draw near before He draws near.

Transparency

Transparency is similar to authenticity, but it goes further. Transparency is more than dropping our masks and defenses; it is an intentional disclosure of our secret selves. It’s noble to be honest in a relationship. It’s far harder and riskier to divulge our deeper selves. We’re bringing out the monsters from our basement, the critters we don’t want others to see or know about. Of course, God knows all about them, but He waits for us to be ready to bring them out into His presence. He waits for us to trust Him with our secret shadow selves. In essence, our relationship with God is all about stripping away the layers that exist between God and us. God doesn’t do it. It is our task. I liken transparency to nakedness before God. Even though God can see us, we invite Him to do so. We invite Him to peer as deep as we can tolerate. When we allow ourselves to be seen, we also allow ourselves to be loved at a deeper level.

When I invite God to see me, I feel exposed and naked. It takes effort to stay still and not retreat. In some ways, I feel like a vampire being burned by the sunlight. But I know if I stay put, then what can’t be burned away will remain. So I allow God to burn off my shame, guilt, and self-judgment. After the ashes, I find my heart malleable again and a renewed tenderness in my relationship with God.

Intimacy

Mutual self-disclosure is the definition of intimacy. When we disclose ourselves to God, God does the same with us. This sharing of selves creates closeness, trust, and affection. God discloses His nature or character to us, some aspect of Himself we can lay hold of. He chooses how and when. His disclosure usually reveals an aspect of Himself that will enable us to become closer to him and to trust Him more. God doesn’t rely on formulas and no two people have identical experiences of God. So be open to anything and everything in your interactions with God. I see no limits in our relationship with God as Christ has removed any barriers on God’s side. The only barriers are on our side. So, we can draw as near to God as we dare. Ephesians 3:11-12 says, “In Christ and through faith in Christ, we may enter God’s presence with boldness and confidence.”

Self-Relating

Our relationship with ourselves has much to do with how we relate to God. If we don’t know how to relate to our inner selves, it will be hard to relate to God. If we don’t know how to nurture our inner selves, then it will be difficult for us to receive nurture from God. It’s within our interior space that God interacts with us. This inner realm serves as a landing pad for God. If we have cultivated an inner life, then we give God an ample place to land. Take time to discover and explore your inner person and learn how to relate to, listen to, and love that person. As you do so, you will develop the capacity to receive those same things from God. Refer to my article on Cultivating an Inner Life.

Deep Calls to Deep

In Psalm 42:6, David says, “Deep calls to deep in the roar of Your waterfalls, all Your waves and breakers have swept over me.” David is downcast and disturbed in this psalm, yet he expresses his earnest desire and thirst for God by beginning with, “As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God.” He feels overwhelmed as if about to drown in the waters that inundate him, yet he calls out to God from the deepest place of his soul. In another illustration of mutuality, he expects that by offering his deepest self, he will be met by God’s deepest self. This is an accurate description of our relationship with God: we give ourselves to God and God gives Himself to us. We give our very being to God as a gift, a love offering, a willing sacrifice. In return, God gives us His being, His presence, His manifest love. God’s love is often preemptive and always unearned, but in a show of intimacy when we drop our guard, He sometimes embraces us with a palpable expression of His tenderness. We give God our lives, our spirits, our bodies, our love, our everything. In response, God gives as much to us, if not more.

Some of you are looking for guidance, assurance, security, or comfort. These things may result from a relationship with God, but aren’t the basis of a relationship, even human relationships. Relationship is based on the sharing of selves, mutual disclosure and commitment, and quality time spent together. When a vibrant relationship exists, then these other things often flow out of that. So, we seek relationship as the priority, not these other things that will elude us, otherwise.

The only thing that will last forever is your relationship with God. Everything else will fade away. The best description of eternal life was given by Jesus who prayed, “Now this is eternal life: that they know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom You have sent.” Eternal life isn’t living forever, but having a relationship with God, a personal experience of knowing God (not just knowing about God). This life is eternal because God is eternal and in knowing Him, there is no end.

Questions for Reflection:

  1. What is your greatest barrier in your present relationship with God? Why do you think it continues to be a barrier for you? What might it take to dismantle it?
  2. Describe your relational position with God. How does this position enhance or hinder God’s ability to relate to you? What new position would you like to try?
  3. How does your relationship with God compare to what you imagine it could be? Describe one particular way in which it falls short. Name one strategy you can try to fix that shortfall.

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Rick Hocker is a game programmer, artist, and author. In 2004, he sustained a back injury that left him bed-ridden in excruciating pain for six months, followed by a long recovery. He faced the challenges of disability, loss of income, and mounting debt. After emerging from this dark time, he discovered that profound growth had occurred. Three years later, he had a dream that inspired him to write his award-winning book, Four in the Garden. His goal was to help people have a close relationship with God and to share the insights he gained from the personal transformation that resulted from his back injury. He lives in Martinez, California.

For more articles, visit http://www.rickhocker.com/articles.html
Website: http://www.rickhocker.com
Email: mail@rickhocker.com

An Intimate God

When we think of emotional intimacy, we rarely think of God. Yet, God created intimacy. Not only that, but God is capable of deep intimacy. Some people were put off by the intimacy Creator showed the main character, Cherished, in my book, Four in the Garden. Why is it so easy to imagine a loving father snuggling with his child, but so difficult to picture a heavenly Father being intimate and playful with a child of His? We struggle with that image because it is not our experience. And yet, our discomfort with it prevents us from experiencing it. God desires intimacy with us, but only to the extent we allow it.